Wacky News

A couple of weeks ago, the Biden Administration released millions of barrels from the Strategic Oil Reserve in an effort to combat soaring gasoline prices. That certainly scared OPEC into lowering crude oil prices, didn’t it? Nice try, Joe.

In a similar move, the Quebec Maple Syrup Producers released roughly 50 million pounds from its Strategic Maple Syrup Reserves this month. That amounts to almost half of the stockpile, following a hot and short spring that led to a lower yield. Take that, Mrs Butterworth with your sickly butter-flavored chemical concoction that passes for pancake syrup. The Quebecois took this drastic step rather than allowing a foreign adversary like Vermont to control that vital part of their economy. It also emphasized the fact that we must tackle climate change now or risk living in a world with dry waffles forever.

In other wacky news from last week, Dr Oz appears to be serious about pursuing the GOP nomination for the US Senate from Pennsylvania. Any political campaign requires a catchy slogan. “I Like Ike”, “All The Way With LBJ”, and “Mexican Immigrants Are Rapists and Murderers Though a Few, I Suppose, Are Good People” worked.

How about these for the Oz campaign:

“Vote For Oz. He’s On TV a Lot And Dr Phil Isn’t Running.”

“A Vote For Dr Oz Burns Away Fat in Minutes — No Diet, No Effort, No Exercise! Just Like the Green Tea Extracts He Pushes On His Show.”

“Senator Toomey’s Weight-Loss Supplements Didn’t Work For Shit. Let’s Replace Him.”

Wacky news can be frightening. Last week, scientists reported on xenobots, the first living robots assembled from stem cells belonging to the African clawed frog. That’s scary enough. Why not go with stem cells from puppies or kittens that people can identify with? “Little Robot Lassie or Fluffy will make a great household pet!” Few people will welcome even a well-behaved robot African clawed frog into their homes.

But what happens when those “frogbots”come to a natural end? After all, frogs seldom make it through a harsh winter. Problem solved! The “frogbots” are “self-replicating”. In other words, they are alive and capable of breeding right there in your home. Instead of the Crazy Cat Lady gathering up stray felines to fill her house, imagine the Crazy Frog Lady with her bathtub and kitchen sink full of tadpoles.

Come to think of it, all this wacky news is frightening. Maple syrup pouring across our northern border, Dr Oz in the Senate, and robotic African Clawed Frogs invading our homes scare the crap out of me.