Velveeta Mania
Note for today’s post: this was written to by my father to my sister and me, hence the language.
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Robert Duvall’s character in “Apocalypse Now” famously said, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like victory.”
Your Old Dad not-so-famously said, “I love the smell of Velveeta in the morning. It smells like hypertension.” The Dufton girls would rise on Saturday mornings to the smell of Velveeta bubbling on the surface of a microwaved Ellio’s pizza. Good times.
There was plenty of bad news on the morning shows as I furiously pedaled the stationary bike today — Europe is burning to a crisp as is the American southwest, shark attacks are increasing, Russia is lobbing missiles arbitrarily at Ukrainian civilians. Then came the shocker: The BLT Restaurant Group unveiled the “Veltini” yesterday. It is a Velveeta Martini available appropriately only during “The Golden Hour” (5 to 8 PM) for $15 at select locations. Made with Velveeta-infused vodka, olive brine, and vermouth, its rim is coated with a Velveeta cheese dip and it is garnished with Velveeta-stuffed olives and Velveeta-soaked pasta shells. Are you detecting a trend here? Is this Velveeta-Mania?
Liquor store shelves are crammed with vodkas infused with every flavor under the sun. I confess that in my days as a amateur drinker, cherry vodka and 7-Up was a favorite which explains why I was still getting cavities during my college years. I can conceive of cheese-flavored vodka. A hearty Cheddar tang would complement a smooth Vodka sauce over pasta. But Velveeta is a hodgepodge of chemicals, Pecorino is cheese.
The “breaking news” report on the Veltini included a connoisseur’s review. It was not a “rave”. “Basically, the cocktail looks just as cheesy as its name implies. It never tasted like I was drinking straight Velveeta, which is a plus, I guess. Oh, and BTW, if you don’t finish your olive and cheese shell garnish quickly enough, the cheese will make its way into your drink, so just be prepared for that.” Well, that movie snob Roger Ebert didn’t like “The Godfather”. You can’t go by reviews.
Your Old (Cheap) Dad would pay that $15 for a Veltini if one were available nearby. Sadly, it is available at only four locations nationwide.
But this is Pandemic America. Anything can be delivered to your door. For a mere $49.95 (plus shipping. This is not Amazon Prime), you get can the Veltini fixings, two martini glasses, a cocktail shaker, Velveeta-themed coasters, a recipe card, and cocktail picks.
I am sorely tempted.
By Ed Dufton
