The Stubble Revolution

Lazy US History students use facial hair as a means of determining when a President served. “Giant bushy beard? Served after Lincoln but before Grover Cleveland. Giant bushy mustache? Cleveland to Taft.”

America is entering a New Facial Hair Era. The 2020’s are The Age of Stubble. Kamala’s presidential portrait is unlikely to feature stubble, but future Presidents likely will. The Trump Boys are Stubblemeisters. Justin Timberlake’s mug shot is Stubblelicious. Keegan Michael Key’s shaved head and stubble look is sweeping the nation. When Gen X takes over, there will be stubble everywhere.

Desirability depends on degree of difficulty. Plumpness was a mark of beauty in the 19th century when food was expensive and hard to come by. After the agricultural Green Revolution of the mid 20th century, food was cheap and plentiful. “The skinnier, The better.” dominated. Women strove for pale porcelain skin in the 1800’s. It meant that you didn’t have to work outdoors. One hundred years later, a healthy vibrant tan was in vogue, but required effort unless you did whatever Donnie did to obtain that fluorescent orange glow.

Not everyone can grow good stubble. Many young actors sport “spotty” stubble, sprouting out in some parts of their face while other parts are bare as a baby’s bottom. Much like the girl striving to be a model for Rubens who just couldn’t gain enough weight or get pale enough, today’s Gen X and Z guys just can’t “stubble up”.

Despair not, guys. Speaking from personal experience, as the hair on your head retreats, the stubble on your chin expands. You also grow hair in and on your ears which is not as bad as the sudden explosion of nostril hair. You will have excellent stubble though. Give it time.

By Ed Dufton