The Price of Beauty

It’s not easy being beautiful.

Last week, the FDA warned of fraudulent Botox treatments being advertised in the internet. Not only is the Botox either so dilute as to be useless but it can also be so strong as to cause massive paralysis. Also, the advertisers are not licensed to inject it. “Whoopsie! The needle slipped. Don’t worry in a couple of weeks, you’ll be able to move the left side of your face again.”

The FDA has not picked up on the most outrageous anti-aging product yet. Korean “scientists” report that salmon semen is associated with increased skin elasticity and stronger collagen levels, both of which are crucial for anti-aging skin. You never see a wrinkly salmon, do you?

Why salmon? “The DNA of salmon is very close to that of humans, so it has a high compatibility with our own cellular functioning,” That DNA similarity explains why some humans swim upstream to the place of their birth, spawn, and die.

But wait, there’s more. “Salmon semen has been shown in research to help with cell migration, bringing the healing cells to an affected area.” The Magic Fish Juice will cure that unsightly acne and psoriasis along with making your skin dewy fresh and supple.

Will those salmon sperm actually be “swimming” beneath your skin? Beauty has its price, but that seems exorbitant. Actually, salmon sperm is merely the base for a “refined pure gel” that is somewhat less disgusting than the raw product.

Beauty treatments require a celebrity endorsement to really take off. Various Kardashians endorse all manner of stuff. Salmon semen beats that. Jennifer Aniston reportedly is a fan. If Rachel from “Friends” uses it, it’s got to be great.

I just wonder how all those hormone-crazed male salmon feel about it.

By Ed Dufton