The Latest Trump Product

Eventually Donnie will run out of useless stuff to foist on the gullible public. Golden sneakers, patriotic Bibles, action figures, trading cards, etc. may have run their course. Dr Oz made a fortune pushing questionable home remedies. Donnie can do the same. I found the perfect product for Donnie to push in, of all places, Sudoku.com.

Cheap Dad suffers through pop-up ads as part of my daily Sudoku game because I refuse to pay $1.99 for the ad-free option. Sudoku.com does not have a great algorithm for its ads. For example, I am deluged with ads for female continence underwear. “Women over 60 swear by this product!” Recently, claims from GroundingWell caught my eye.

“Electronics explode and catch fire if they are not grounded. Your body is the same.”

I guess that explains all the spontaneous human combustion that we see.

“Maybe you won’t physically catch fire and explode, but you’ll suffer health problems like insomnia, anxiety and more if you don’t ground yourself regularly. Every cell in our bodies relies on electrical signals to function. We function and feel our best when our skin is making direct contact with the Earth so any excess electrons can escape from our bodies and allow us to reach perfect electrical balance. Throughout history, humans lived outdoors, often barefoot, so we were constantly electrically grounded. It’s no wonder that health problems are on the rise — insomnia, inflammation, anxiety — as a result of a lack of electron balance.”

Ain’t that the truth? Ever since we started wearing shoes, we can’t sleep, everything hurts, and we worry too much. I’m going out in the backyard barefoot right now. So what if the ground is frozen. Even if I lose a couple of toes to frostbite, I’ll sleep and feel better because my electrons are balanced.

Actually, I feel a strong attachment to all ten of my toes. I can achieve the same health and slumber with the purchase of a GroundingWell bedsheet for a mere $99. Just plug that baby in to a three-prong outlet and satisfied customers report “Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep the first time in years!”

Is it my massive prostate or electronic imbalance that wakes me to pee every 2–3 hours all night long? Before I cough up $99 for an electrical bedsheet, I’ll try walking around the backyard barefoot.

But that’s just me. If Donnie went on Fox News extolling the benefits of GroundingWell bedsheets, they would fly off the shelves faster than MAGA hats. Of course, Donnie would get a cut of that $99.

By Ed Dufton