The Eight Second Cure

Medical scans found arthritis alongside my herniated spinal disc and pinched nerve. “Arthritis is to be expected in your case. There is no cure.” said Dr Pain, my orthopedist.

“Not so,” according to Oprah’s favorite psychologist, Dr Phil.

I do the Sudoku Daily Challenge on-line (1286 games started, 1221 games won). Because I am cheap, I do the “free” version with irritating ads. A new ad popped up yesterday.

“Dr Phil recommends this natural method to instantly reduce arthritis and chronic pain! No pills or injections are required! The method takes only eight seconds every day!”

Of course, there is a catch. “If you start to feel excess energy and pain relief, stop immediately!” I guess that I can live with that.

Hold on. There are more impediments before I can feel like I am 18 years old again. “You must agree to these three rules before trying this eight second method that relieves arthritis pain almost immediately (my comments in parentheses):

1. Use the method in an ethical manner. Do not share with friends. (Cheap bastards should pay for their own.)

2. Be prepared for rapid weight loss. (I will not only feel like I am 18, I will look like it, too. Woo-Hoo!)

3. If you find this method too effective, do it every other day instead of every day. (“Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” “Then stop doing it.” That’s the part of the Hippocratic oath that most people don’t know about.)

Dr Phil wants my e-mail address, telephone number, and credit card number to register for this miracle cure. Kindly Dr Phil would never sell that data to marketers. Surely, this miracle cure is on the up-and-up.

I googled Dr Phil. He is not a medical doctor. Between his cable TV show and guest appearances, he earns an estimated $95 million per year. Either he is incredibly greedy for lending his name (and reputation) to what is a quack cure or he is “lawyering up” right now.

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is (even if endorsed by Dr Phil).

By Ed Dufton