The Dreaded Monkey Spit Virus

Would you rather be exposed to COVID or to a Monkey Virus? A Pennsylvania woman was treated for both last week.

Michele Fallon was driving behind a trailer that collided with a dump truck on a rural stretch of I-80 last week. That trailer was carrying one hundred monkeys to a quarantine station somewhere near Pittsburgh. Non-descript wooden boxes were scattered on the roadway. Good Samaritan Michele approached the driver. “Are you OK?” “What’s in the boxes?” (Finders, keepers. The cops aren’t here yet. They’ll never miss a few drugs, liquor, or contraband cigarettes if that’s what’s in these shoddy boxes.)

“I’m OK. Cats are in the boxes.” (It’s not a great idea to panic the local populace with claims of one hundred wild monkeys loose in their neighborhood.)

“I love kitties,” responded Michele. She lifted the cover on one of the boxes and the monkey inside hissed and spit in her eye. “What an ugly cat. Wait a minute, that’s no kitty.”

At that point, the state police appeared. Michele mentioned the monkey spit incident, but claimed to be suffering no ill effects. The police were mostly concerned with corralling the escaped monkeys so they let her go. She then continued on her merry way to a birthday party.

James Carville once said, “Pennsylvania is Philly and Pittsburgh surrounded by a whole lot of Alabama.” Fully one third of Pennsylvanians refuse COVID vaccination. That ratio is much higher along rural I-80. Sure enough, no one at Michele’s birthday party was vaccinated and two attendees came down with intense COVID symptoms the next day.

Maybe it was the power of suggestion, but Michele wasn’t feeling all that great herself. She went to the local hospital where she was recognized by a state policeman. “How’s your eye that the monkey spit into?” Emergency Room personnel panicked. “This is how pandemics start! We will be the new Wuhan, China!”

Michele got rabies shots (which are painful) and intravenous antibiotics. Seated next to her in the Infusion Room was one of her fellow party-goers. “We all tested positive for COVID. Maybe you’re coming down with it, too.”

Sure enough, Michele tested positive as well. Thanks to Michele’s love of kitties and aversion to inoculations, the Keystone State suffered another COVID case but was spared becoming Ground Zero for the dreaded Monkey Spit Virus.

By Ed Dufton