The Cruelest Month

Chaucer wrote, “April is the cruelest month.” April, 2024 promises to be the cruelest yet. The Phillies will open their baseball season as usual. The first ball on Opening Day will be delivered by Kiteman, soaring in from center field. Sometimes, Kiteman lands near the pitcher’s mound. Sometimes a breeze kicks in and he ends up flattened against the screen behind home plate.

That is not the cruel part. The Phillies announced that there will be no Dollar Dog Days at the ballpark this year. To increase attendance on chilly April nights, hot dogs cost a mere buck. When cheesesteaks go for $16 and beers for $10, a dollar dog is a helluva deal.

A dollar dog is also an inexpensive projectile for rowdier Philly fans. Foil-wrapped dogs plummeting from the stadium’s upper deck have the elite in the $80 field level box seats scrambling for cover. Donald Trump is not the only rich guy who can “lawyer up”. The Phillies are understandably wary of lawsuits.

Aren’t there ushers and security people to control the fans? Bear in mind that we are talking Philadelphia sports fans here. This is the fandom renowned for booing and throwing snowballs at Santa Claus during an Eagles game. Santa didn’t throw three interceptions in the first half, but the fans were upset at him anyway. Eagles fans cheered when Dallas Cowboy Michael Irvin was carted off the field with two damaged knees. Sportsmanship is not a tradition in the City of Brotherly Love. Phillies fans bombarded Atlanta Braves outfielders with batteries. Batteries made it through the metal detectors at the stadium entrance. Guns and knives did not which was fortunate.

The classic Philly Sports Fan Experience was, of course, the arraignment court and jail cells installed in Veteran’s Stadium for Eagles games in the 1980s. “Dad, can you drop some bail money at the stadium Will Call window?”

April, 2024 will be cruel indeed without Dollar Dogs.

By Ed Dufton