SuperRich

The SuperRich spend millions on giant yachts, renting out Venice for a wedding, and Indiana Jones’ bullwhip. Thanks to the One Big Beautiful Bill, they don’t have to waste their money on taxes.

Bucking that trend, a SuperRich athlete recently avoided a ridiculous extravagance. Joe Burrow is the highest-paid quarterback in the NFL. He signed a five year contract worth $255 million in 2003. How would Joe spend his annual $50 million paycheck? Luxury real estate is always a good investment. Joe plays in Cincinnati, so he was able to build a mansion with, among other things, a full indoor basketball court for the bargain rate of $7.5 million. He had no problem getting a mortgage with a guaranteed $255 million on the horizon.

Joe probably wished that he spent a few more bucks on a security system. While he was playing a game in California last December, thieves broke into Joe’s home and stole $300 K worth of stuff. The thieves then “fenced” Joe’s valuables with a Russian pawnbroker in New York. The thieves weren’t all that clever. They posted photos of them fondling Joe’s stuff on-line. Using that lead, the FBI arrested the pawnbroker yesterday. ICE took time off from hassling innocent farm workers to place the Russian pawnbroker to the Deportation List. Ship him to South Sudan!

Poor Joe was traumatized by the incident. “I just get very uncomfortable. There’s certain parts of your life that are yours. Your house is one of those.” In fact, Joe was so traumatized that he cancelled his order for a $3 million “fully functional Batmobile”. Joe explained, “I didn’t get the Batmobile because after the burglary, I just had the things to deal with.”

Get with the SuperRich Program, Joe! A giant yacht may not be practical in Cincinnati. There must not be a Mrs Joe in the wings who would insist on renting Venice for the wedding. Not only is Indy’s bullwhip gone, but someone bought Luke Skywalker’s light saber recently. This year’s $50 million isn’t going to spend itself. You’ll get more respect at football training camp if you pull up in a “fully functional” Batmobile. Your teammates’ Maseratis and Ferraris won’t have machine guns blazing from their headlights and automatic smoke screens billowing from their exhaust pipes.

Time heals all wounds, Joe. The burglary trauma will pass. You will regret the time you lost with that “fully functional” Batmobile.

By Ed Dufton