Biblical Bush

Sunday newspapers have featured the “Parade” supplement for as long as I can remember (and that is a very long time). “Parade” traditionally features a cover photo of a celebrity (This week it is Liam Neeson), “Personality Parade” with the latest gossip (What are those crazy Kardashians up to now?) and ads that appeal to the senior demographic.

A full-pager in this week’s issue touts, “Scientific Discovery Shocks Doctors. Biblical Bush Shuts Down Joint Discomfort in Five Days.” The “Biblical Bush” is none other than frankincense. If it was good enough for Baby Jesus, it’s good enough for me. A pioneering Florida MD proved that the stuff “is like a switch that can deactivate four hundred inflammatory genes.” I feel all four hundred when I rise in the morning.

Don’t be fooled by that glucosamine stuff that the FDA approved years ago for joint pain. The FDA doesn’t believe in the Bible. Glucosamine takes up to eight weeks to provide relief. Frankincense will get you up and hopping in as little as five days.

Best of all, you don’t have to wait for the Wise Men to deliver to your manger. There’s an 800 number to call. We must call within 48 hours though. After that, our “pioneering Florida MD” must “shut down to restock” or possibly get out of town before the police arrive.

No mention is made of the cost for this magic “Biblical Bush”, but we are informed that “No prescription is required”. The Federal Trade Commission takes a dim view of selling non-approved medications to the public.

I wish I had a Bethlehem address to order this stuff. “Ship that frankincense to Mary and Joseph, the Stable at the Inn, Bethlehem, PA 18068”.

By Ed Dufton