Second Stringer

There’s a reason why the second-string substitute sits on the bench until the starter is hurt. He is just not as good.

Tucker Carlson gave Fox News viewers all the Angry White Man Grist that they could handle. “The Dems are replacing Americans (especially straight White males) with thousands of immigrants. They will take your job. They will take your vote.” “I will broadcast from Hungary. Viktor Orban does not allow any immigrants in and he doesn’t even let them travel through.” “American men lack testosterone. You can increase to by exposing your ball sac to UV light.”

Yes, Tucker actually said that and it was not what got him fired.

“Tuckie” was replaced by Jesse Watters this year. Jesse tried to out-Tucker Tucker, but fell short. It’s like your kindergartner coming home from school and repeating obscenities that he heard on the playground. Jesse repeats Tucker’s lines, but you can tell he has no idea what they mean.

This week, Jesse showed a photo of Joe Biden drinking a milkshake through a straw. “Some things we just can’t let slide. Joe Biden used a straw. Now, I recommend that all men refrain from using straws. It’s unbecoming the way a man’s lips purse. The size of the straw is just too dainty. The way your fingers clasp on it. No, come on. Straws are for women and little kids.”

Tucker would have us tan our testicles to keep America strong. You know that the Strongest American, Donald J. Trump, tans his ball sac along with his adorable face. That white raccoon-like spaces around his eyes are a dead giveaway.

Jesse would have us abandon straws and slurp that milkshake all over our lips and chin. That’s just not as macho as a tan ball sac.

Paraphrasing Dr Evil’s admonition to son Scott in an Austin Powers movie, “You’re the Diet Coke of Evil, Scott (Jesse). One calorie. Not evil enough.” Jesse Watters and Scott Evil both fall short of the mark.

By Ed Dufton