Remarkable Achievements
2022 saw several remarkable achievements. Aaron Judge hit the most home runs in the American League since 1961. Tom Brady played an entire pro football season at age 45. I made it through the year without replacing a malfunctioning body part.
These pale in comparison to Nick Cannon fathering five children in 2022. That brings his total paternal output to twelve. Poor Mrs Cannon must be worn out. Actually, Nick believes in spreading the wealth. His twelve kids are from six mothers, some, but not all of whom, were at one point Mrs Cannon.
“Every day I just wake up excited about being a father,” Nick told PEOPLE in May 2022. “I’m so excited about all my kids. Constantly, from every aspect of it. From them getting citizen of the month awards in the first grade to the birth of the new ones.”
Coming up with unique names for twelve kids is difficult. The famous boxer George Foreman solved that problem by naming all his kids George or Georgia. Nick and the various Mrs Cannons ensured that their kids’ names will never be confused with others in their schools.
Nick’s brood includes:
Moroccan — as opposed to Algerian or Libyan
Monroe — among Nick’s favorite Presidents
Golden Sagon — Not Saigon or nowadays Ho Chi Minh City
Rise Messiah — Jewish folks might find this objectionable
Powerful Queen — The most powerful piece on the chessboard is the Queen
Zion Mixolydian — Sounds like a pharmaceutical
Zillion Heir — Not million, billion, or even trillion
Beautiful Zeppelin — Has there ever been an ugly Zeppelin?
Legendary Love — A name guaranteed to get this boy beaten up in Middle School
Bre Tiesi — Probably meaningful in some obscure Indonesian dialect
Onyx Ice Cole — Clearly, the lass is sharp as onyx and cool as ice
Halo Marie — The baby of the family born in Dec, 2022
2022 also saw the average life expectancy for Americans decreasing for the second year in a row. Thanks, COVID. Thanks, Fentanyl. It’s reassuring that Nick Cannon is doing his utmost to keep America populated.
By Ed Dufton
