Mt. Rushmore 2.0

Mount Rushmore must make room for a fifth presidential head.

George Washington deserved his place for winning the Revolutionary War. Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence and made the Louisiana Purchase. Abraham Lincoln abolished slavery and kept the nation intact in a Civil War. Theodore Roosevelt ensured 20th century prosperity when he “busted” the oil, railroad, and steel trusts.

But none of that compares to what Donald J. Trump accomplished yesterday. With missiles flying over Ukraine (Weren’t you ending that with a single phone call on Day 1, Donnie?), Israel killing starving Palestinians, and wildfires ravaging the Grand Canyon, Donnie found time to address the Real Crisis of 2025. He wrote on Truth Social: “I have been speaking to Coca-Cola about using REAL Cane Sugar in Coke in the United States, and they have agreed to do so. I’d like to thank all of those in authority at Coca-Cola.”

No longer will Americans have to travel to Mexico for super-sweet sugared Coke. No longer will hard-working US citizens have to suffer with high fructose corn syrup sweeteners in their soft drinks. Donnie may not have brought back 15 cent hamburgers and 10 cent fries at his beloved McDonald’s but the soda there will taste sweeter. If that doesn’t get him a spot on Mount Rushmore, what will?

Better hold up on that excavating and blasting though. Coca-Cola responded to Donnie’s post less than enthusiastically. “Any changes to our formula remain in the pipeline. We appreciate President Trump’s enthusiasm for our iconic Coca-Cola brand. More details on innovative offerings will be shared soon.”

How unusual for Donnie to make a big announcement (150% tariffs on China!) with no details or follow-through. Like China, Coca-Cola will simply sit back and allow Donnie to bluster while conducting business as usual.

You are safe, Mount Rushmore.

By Ed Dufton