How Many Drinks?

Breathalyzers and Blood Alcohol Tests have taken all the fun out of pondering “How many drinks does it take to get drunk?” Our fair Commonwealth of Pennsylvania ruled that a Blood Alcohol Content of 0.08% is the lower limit for inebriation and gets your car keys confiscated and earns you a night’s lodging in the drunk tank. If your breath melts the Breathalyzer, police won’t even bother with the Blood Test. Do not have anchovies on that pizza that you washed down with a six pack.

Degree of inebriation varies with body mass. There is a filmed record of Andre the Giant downing 119 twelve oz. beers at a single sitting. Of course, Andre weighed close to 600 lbs, but that would be the equivalent of three 200 lb men downing 40 beers each. I pity the state trooper who would pull Andre over for DUI.

On the opposite end of the spectrum was my Uncle Al, a dwarf who never weighed more than 70 lbs. I was an usher at Uncle Al’s wedding (to another “little person” by the way). The wedding party had strict orders to keep Uncle Al stone sober until the reception and we did so. After the champagne toast, Uncle Al downed four beers and passed out. Body mass truly matters.

As a frat boy with an interest in science, my college days included tests to determine “How many drinks…?” There’s the classic “Take a 1.5 oz shot glass of beer every minute. How long can you last?” The answer is, “Not as long as you think.” Few can survive the equivalent of four beers in a half hour though many have tried.

Prodigious alcohol consumption can grant Fraternity Legend Status to a fortunate few. Brother “Squid” suffered a romantic disappointment. (“Animal House” did not lie. Fraternity guys went by nicknames. ) “Squid” decided to consume a quarter keg of beer all by himself over a weekend. Now a quarter keg is 7.75 gallons which is roughly equivalent to 80 twelve oz. cans of beer. “Squid” began his quest after class on Friday afternoon. By Saturday night, he made a serious dent in that quarter keg. He also passed out alongside the beer tap. Like moths to a flame, frat boys are irresistibly attracted to free beer. We finished the keg, removed all evidence that we had done so, and opened the tap so that cold foam sprayed down on “Squid”. Naturally, he woke up in a foul mood. We raised his sprits by proclaiming, “You drained that entire keg! You are a Legend!”

Four weeks have now passed since the election. My period of mourning has passed. I am ready to resume mocking The Orange Buffoon.

By Ed Dufton