With the school year fast approaching, daytime TV is awash in commercials touting Home School programs. Little Kyle and Tiffany are shown eagerly typing away on their laptops absorbing the knowledge of mankind. “Caitlyn’s SAT scores increased by 100 points since she enrolled in PA Cyber!”
The Onion could not let this object for satire go by without a “slideshow” depicting parental comments on the advantages of home schooling:
“If I can keep my kid from knowing Black people exist until he’s 18, he might just turn out okay.” It is no coincidence that the kids shown in the cyber school TV commercials are invariably white. It’s not like America will be “majority minority” by 2050. Your kid will have to deal with Black and Brown people eventually, but let’s not rush it.
“There’s nothing they can learn in school that I can’t explain incoherently.” Ay, there’s the rub. As parents who suffered through “remote” and “hybrid” learning during COVID are only too aware, you must be able to explain the Pythagorean theorem or to conjugate irregular Spanish verbs when your kid gets stuck. Better start studying now.
“You can start your school year in October and then buy all the school supplies at a discount! It’s genius!” Finally, there’s a real advantage to cyber-learning.
“Being around kids their own age all day is bad for a child’s social development.” Teens invariably are surly toward adults but “open up” to their peers. Why not have your kid spend his teen years isolated in your basement on the computer? It worked out so well for those kids in Buffalo, Uvalde, and Highland Park.
By the way, Musik (with a k) fest opens tonight.* Among its highlights is a “Polka Mass” to be celebrated (and televised by Service Electric Cable TV) on Sunday morning. Who needs pipe organ accompaniment when you can have an accordion? Will congregants break into the Chicken Dance during the Offertory? Will “Hey!” replace “Amen” at the conclusion of prayers? Will beer and funnel cake replace the wine and wafer during communion? Inquiring minds want to know.
By Ed Dufton
*Originally written on August 4 2022