Gettysburg Address II

Memorial Day was established to honor Civil War dead.

Donnie honored them with his version of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. As that excellent student who “got the highest grades in the history of the Wharton School” and as the “very stable genius” who “knows more about military matters than the generals”, Donnie (in his typically eloquent manner) began by describing Lincoln “as someone who did something that was very important to do, especially at that time.”

He is correct. Freeing the slaves in 2024 wouldn’t have the same impact that it did back in 1863.

Donnie continued, “Gettysburg. Wow. I go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, to look and to watch. And the statement of Robert E. Lee ― who’s no longer in favor, did you ever notice that? No longer in favor ― ‘Never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill.’ They were fighting uphill. He said, ‘Wow, that was a big mistake.’ He lost his great general, and they were fighting. ‘Never fight uphill, me boys!’ But it was too late.”

That was not exactly “Four score and seven years ago”. Donnie’s “word salad” made no sense. Debate coaches teach that if you have a poor argument, you must emphasize your delivery. One possibility would be a Southern accent and a slight change to “Never fight uphill, y’all”. If Donnie insisted on retaining “me boys”, a pirate accent would work. “Argh, never fight uphill, me boys”. Adding an eyepatch, peg leg, and a parrot on his shoulder would complete the image.

Donnie sold a lot of tee shirts with his scowling mug shot. He would sell even more dressed as a pirate.

By the way, Gettysburg saw 7,000 soldiers on both sides die with 33,000 more wounded. About 160,000 soldiers were there, so you had just a 1 in 4 chance of surviving the battle intact. Trump recognized that suffering with “Never fight uphill, me boys.”

By Ed Dufton