Brett’s Dad

His confirmation hearings revealed many things about Brett Kavanaugh. He may or may not have participated in a sexual assault as a teenager. He likes beer. He believes in “stare decisis” (until it is time to overturn Roe v. Wade).

Also, he went to an exclusive prep school that had its own private golf course. After all, we can’t expect the scions of the wealthy to mingle with the unwashed multitudes when knocking off a quick nine holes after school.

How did Clan Kavanaugh acquire its wealth? The current New Yorker describes how Johnson & Johnson weaseled out of multi-billion dollar lawsuits resulting from cancer-causing asbestos in J&J’s Baby Powder. J&J knew about the asbestos since the 1970s but continued selling it. When the Food and Drug Administration proposed testing for asbestos, J&J established a lobbying group that convinced Congress that it would “self-regulate” and test for asbestos with their own method. “Trust us”. Women continued to die from ovarian cancer. Autopsies discovered asbestos in those ovaries. That “self-regulation” didn’t work too well.

The head of the lobbying group was Edward Kavanaugh, father of Brett. Edward was so good at his job that he was earning $4.5 million per year when he retired. That will cover tuition and greens fees at Rich Kid Prep.

Edward Kavanaugh did not limit his genius to Johnson & Johnson Baby Powder. Band-Aids are a big profit-maker for J&J. A major selling point is their “ouch-less” adhesive. There’s just enough “stick-um” to keep the Band-Aid in place but not too much so that ripping the Band-Aid off also rips off skin. Edward came up with the brilliant idea to pay inmates at Holmesburg Prison in Philly $5 per wound to test absorbency and adhesion. After all, prisons are crawling with open-wounded folk.

Edward also helped in the development of J&J’s most famous product, its Baby Shampoo. He offered those same Holmesburg prisoners $3 each to have shampoo dropped in their eyes regularly over twenty-four hours to prefect the “No More Tears” formula. Apparently, there’s not much ocular difference between babies and grizzled convicts. “No More Tears” really works.

Young Brett may have caused agony across America with his support of Dobbs, but we can’t criticize the Kavanaughs too harshly. His Dad did give us “ouch-less” Band-Aids and “No More Tears” shampoo.

By Ed Dufton