American Voices

Lynette Dufton
2 min readSep 20, 2022

The Onion features “American Voices”. Three “typical Americans” provide wacky (made-up) comments on wacky (actual) news items.

For example, a recent news item was:

“A new study has found that reduced sex drive and hair loss are among a wider set of long-term Covid symptoms based on analyzed electronic health records of 2.4 million people in the U.K.”

Comments were:

“Fine, fine, I won’t get long Covid!”

“So there are serious health consequences after all.”

“In that case, I’ll take the fatal version.”

I love it.

Today’s Onion included this news item:

“The Regensburger Domspatzen, a German choir founded in the year 975 for boys and young men, is now accepting girls into its music school for the first time, though they will perform in a separate choir.”

Comments were:

“Surprise, surprise. More woke posturing from 1,000-year-old German choirs.”

“At least it will save them the trouble of castrating them.”

“Should I bother asking about Black people?”

Our friends Down Under are not immune to wackiness:

“A man in southwest Australia was killed by a wild kangaroo he kept as a pet, making it the first fatal kangaroo attack in the country since 1936.”

The Onion’s comment was “Unless the kangaroo confessed to something, this is all just speculation.” I would add, “How did they find a licensed kangaroo lawyer to read the alleged killer its Miranda rights?” and “Those ‘roos are tricky. This is the first ‘roo-realted murder THAT WE KNOW ABOUT since 1936.”

Who is wackier than our Republican neighbors?

“A new poll found that 44% of Republican voters surveyed say that mass shootings are “something we have to accept as part of a free society,” while 85% of Democrats and 73% of Independents say they are preventable “if we really tried.”

The Onion’s comments were:

“We’re going to run out of victims soon!”

“Wow, almost half. No wonder Republican politicians are afraid to take action.”

If I were born a Prince and had little to do (for 73 years) until the Queen died and I could assume the throne, I would spend my workdays submitting humor to The Onion. That’s even more of a Dream Job than being King.

By Ed Dufton

--

--

Lynette Dufton

These posts are written by my father, Ed Dufton, who has an incredible knack of condensing the day’s news into a witty and insightful commentary on society.